As they say in group therapy, “Hi. My name is Kev, and I am a rubbish gay.”
I say this because I don’t fall into a box. I’m not a stereotype. I’m somewhere between a jock and a bear, with a bit of twink thrown in on special occasions. I can’t be arsed with Eurovision, rom-coms are annoying and predictable, and I’m more fashion-comatose than fashion-conscious. I’d rather order take-out than bake, or put up a shelf than accessorise. And as for anal. Meh. I can take it or leave it. No, boxes are for shoes. Or pizza. Or for ticking in an online survey, because let’s face it, we all love doing an exam where you already know the answers.
I really don’t understand why we make life harder for ourselves. I’ve enough on my plate now that Starbucks is displaying the calorie content of their drinks (seriously, a mocha is like a MEAL!), without wondering if my lack of interest in Kylie is letting the side down. Please don’t judge me because I’d rather pay the mortgage than buy the designer clothes being advertised to me. Fellow gays, quit giving me the stink-eye because my dancing involves a bit more pointing than is strictly necessary. Crack a smile on your resting bitch face because, my friend, life is too fucking short to be anything other than truly unique.
Is it just me, or is it that the more barriers we knock down between us and the heteros, the more we seem to put up between ourselves? Femme. Butch. Twink. Top. Bottom. Vers. Pos. Neg. Chubby chaser. Gym bunny. Silver Fox. Bear. Cub. Daddy. Dom. Otter. Jock. And now Twock? Jeez, it’s exhausting. Why all the boxes? Can’t we just be the ‘G’ in LGBT? Or rather I should say the ‘G’ in LGBTQIAPD, if you want to include all the words us minorities now need to describe ourselves accurately. You might as well just add an ‘S’ to that for the Straights and cover everyone. Well, why not? I know way more judgemental gays than I do straight people.
Here’s an idea. Guess what is an easier and more inclusive phrase to use than LGBTQIAPDS? What about, ‘Human’. OK, so it’ll get you less points on Words With Friends but it covers the same thing. We’re all human, and what could be more inclusive than that?
So, join me. Choose to be free! Remove the barriers, refuse the stereotype, amend your profile if you have one and take yourself out of the box you’ve put yourself into. Boxes aren’t for us anymore. They’re for shoes.
About the author
Away With The Fairies Day 18
Tuesday 2nd December. - I woke up this morning with a throbbing head, fluffy teeth and inexplicably filthy hands. Last night's escapades at the bowling alley are all a bit vague. I remember downing Fliz's drink when she went off to pick up her hideous rubber shoes, and then legging it before she returned. I was so happy to get away from her that there’s a chance I did cartwheels on the way back to the hostel, which I guess would explain the dirty hands. What a horrible person. Her, not me, obviously. She totally deserved it. I also remember staggering through the door and seeing a sign at reception saying, 'Male Models Needed For Hairdressing Students – 8 am’ . I’ve been desperate for a bit of barnet-love, having sported a fusion of bed-head and lesbian-mullet since I got here […]
Away With The Fairies Day 17
Monday 1st December – Vineyard tour! Pinch, punch, first day of the month and all that shit! It’s off to be a good start. I've been looking forward to today's wine-tasting tour since we booked it last week. OK, so it's another coach trip where Bev and Rachel get to sit together and I ride behind them trying to join in, but this time there’ll be free booze too. I've forgotten what a decent pinot tastes like. Recently, if it's not been served in a cardboard cube on a two-for-one offer I've not even bothered. “I'm SO taking advantage of all the freebies today,” I told Bev. “I like being a bit discombobulated. Inebriation is so in right now. The kidneys are evil and must be punished!” She grinned enthusiastically. “I have no idea what you’re saying, so I'm just smiling […]
Away With The Fairies Day 16
Sunday 30th November- After lying in bed stewing for most of the night, I was woken rudely by the girls an hour or so after finally getting to sleep. “Why didn't ya wake us? I thought we was going aaht?” “You should have just gone without us, silly.” I was fuming. Not only were they blaming me for missing 'The Biggest Party On The Southern Hemisphere' but Bev didn’t even seem grateful that I’d missed out on it too on their behalf. Rude! I pictured myself slapping her round the tits in anger and setting her off like one of those executive desk-toys with the metal balls. But before I could shoot them down with my clever-but-cutting verbal assault that I'd spent all night perfecting, they focused on a spot just above my eye and grimaced in unison. “Euw.” That one […]
Away With The Fairies Day 15
Saturday 29th November - Groan. My first proper hangover since I got here and even the smallest movement is having repercussions. I’ve really got to calm this drinking down. If my body was a temple, my temple would be a Threshers. If it wasn't bad enough feeling this close to actual death when you're sharing a room with four other people, it's particularly horrific enduring a nasty case of the beer-shits when you share a bathroom with over fifty more. I was in there nearly an hour waiting for the place to empty so I could leg it and avoid being associated with the smell, by which time I needed to go back in again. Worst of all, I forgot to take my phone in with me so it was a double-whammy of misery. On the plus side, I think this […]
Away With The Fairies Day 14
Friday 28th November - Somehow the girls have made it out to go bikini shopping before 10am. I wasn't invited to join them, but I'm not bothered. They don't do bikinis my size. Watching them in action last night has reminded me that they'd always intended to be over here on their own. I was just a spur-of-the-moment after-thought. Not even that, really. After their strip-poker prick-teasing, they'd almost left me behind. They only remembered I was there when my hand reached out from the depths of that bloody beanbag and I asked for help. And do you know what they said? “Oh, we'd completely forgotten about you.” It's really hard not to take that personally, but I am starting to understand. When they'd been planning this trip they had expected to be two Essex Birds, flying wild and free in […]
Away With The Fairies Day 13
Thursday 27th November. The girls crashed in at around 6am, cackling and shushing each other. Bev then grabbed a carrier-bag and threw up in it, and then did it again in case the first garbled geyser hadn't woken everyone up. She was totally oblivious to the fact the bag had safety holes in the bottom, and that high-pressure vomit juice was now squirting out of both ends and spinning around the room. By the time she'd sprawled into her top bunk and was snoring, bag hanging limply from her finger, the toxic stream had dwindled to a gloopy dribble, each splat hanging in the horrified silence. It was no wonder that our German roommates decided to leg it, slamming their pebble-dashed clothes into cases and rushing off without so much as an “alfie design”. (I may have spelt that wrong.) […]
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