Sunday 30th November- After lying in bed stewing for most of the night, I was woken rudely by the girls an hour or so after finally getting to sleep.
“Why didn’t ya wake us? I thought we was going aaht?”
“You should have just gone without us, silly.”
I was fuming. Not only were they blaming me for missing ‘The Biggest Party On The Southern Hemisphere’ but Bev didn’t even seem grateful that I’d missed out on it too on their behalf. Rude! I pictured myself slapping her round the tits in anger and setting her off like one of those executive desk-toys with the metal balls. But before I could shoot them down with my clever-but-cutting verbal assault that I’d spent all night perfecting, they focused on a spot just above my eye and grimaced in unison.
“Euw.”
That one syllable had taken all the angry wind out of my sails.
I’d forgotten all about my new piercing, and it seems that sleeping with my head furiously buried under the pillow was a bad idea. Bev handed me her mirror and I stared miserably at the massive grey lump that had erupted under my left eyebrow overnight. Is it any wonder even lower-leaguers like Hamish reject me? I wasn’t much to look at before, but now?
“I look like the fucking Elephant Man,” I groaned, squeezing gunk out of what was essentially a head-wound.
“Nah, you’re not that pretty,” laughed Rachel.
The girls got dressed and skipped off, and I laid in bed sulking for hours, unwilling to inflict my face upon the world. Instead, I caught up on Facebook and Twitter and got increasingly wound up that everyone back home was coping fine without me. When the girls eventually returned I pretended to be sleep and hoped they wouldn’t talk to me.
“Hey sweetie? We’re heading back out to Victoria Market if you’re up for it?”
“Hmm?” I fake-yawned.
“Rach wants some fruit and stuff. She’s decided she’s getting fat.”
“Or are you still too busy enjoying your pity party?” asked Rachel.
“You are looking a little chunky, now you come to mention it,” I snapped.
“We can do some talent spotting?” Bev teased, poking me in the bum. “You love that!”
I wasn’t really in the mood for our usual game of ‘Shoot, Shag or Marry?’, but I let her pull me up and drag me out anyway because feeling miserable and doing what I’m bloody told has always gone hand in hand. The market was selling the same old crap it was last time, only now it had one thing going for it. No Hamish. No innocent stuttering Scot to reawaken my libido before fucking off with the first available alternative. The only problem was I was now aware of all the other much-hotter guys instead, and every single one of them was staring at me. Or more specifically, staring at the oozing bruise just above my eye. I groaned and searched the stalls for a pair of bigger sunglasses.
“Put a fucking smile on it, luv.”
Rachel had grabbed my arm and was dragging me forcefully over to some fruit.
“What the hell, Rach?”
“Look, droopy drawers, I’ve just about had enough of your moping. You’re stuck with that face, disfigurement or otherwise, but there ain’t nothing stopping you from losing some timber.” She smacked my belly and we both watched it ripple under my t-shirt. “Use this time away from home to get fit. Start eating better. That’s what me and Bev are gonna do.”
Bloody cheek. Her breakfast this morning was a curly wurly.
“Just you, Rach,” said Bev. “I’m out. That salad you made me eat tasted like I’d rather be fat.”
Rachel ignored her and threw a bag of apples at my chest. “Start wiv these. They’re ‘pink ladies’ so they’ll be right up your street.” She then added, “have these bananas n’ all, cos Katie Price once said on Twitter that you’ve gotta mix your colours.”
Bev nodded in agreement. “Yeah, one of my exes was a trainer and he said something about that,” she said as she eyed up the cucumbers. “So I had a fling with a black guy.”
Despite them telling me I was fat and disfigured, I actually had quite a nice afternoon. It’s become increasingly obvious that the only things we have in common are where we’re from, where we are now, and where we’re off to next, so that’s what we talked about. Home, what we’ve got up to in Melbourne, plans for Canberra on Wednesday, and the possibilities in Sydney after that. It was nice, for a time. We laughed and everything. And then we moved on to what we wanted to do here before we moved on, and our differences became apparent again. I was all for some last-minute culture whilst they both wanted their giblets waxed.
“I really need to get me downstairs sorted,” said Bev. “It’s getting a bit wild. I got out the shower this morning and I thought I was wearing shorts.”
“Yeah, and I need me eyebrows fixed before we leave,” cut in Rachel. “I’m SO underwhelmed with them at the mo. They look like two giant sperms.”
But by this point, I was totally up for some more alone time anyway so we went our separate ways without any drama. They skipped off to have their lady-gardens manicured, and I zig-zagged about the city crossing a bunch of cultural stuff off my Melbourne ‘To-Do’ list. Museums, galleries, the lane-way markets, all that grown-up shit. We met up again for dinner, where they introduced me to a couple of burly guys they’d got talking to in the beauticians. Stu and Graham were ‘just good friends’, both with shaved heads, plunging necklines, and jeans that were at least one size too small (in fact, you could tell what religion Stu was just by looking at the outline). Both managed to drop “my girlfriend back home” into the first minute of their conversation with me, but my Gaydar was going off louder than a foghorn in a library. They stood WAY too close to each other for a start, and neither of them once glanced at Bev’s ample cleavage and I’m sorry but that’s hypnotic even for me. If Hamish had been on the road to ‘Queensland’ (which he may now actually be for all I know), I’m pretty sure these guys were taking a swim up Denial.
“But they don’t even look gay!” Rachel snapped a few minutes later, her eyes narrowing suspiciously as she clocked them disappearing into the toilet together.
“Where did you say you met them?”
“They were in the bleaching room having their bums done.”
I raised an eyebrow but said nothing and she stamped her foot in a strop.
“Oh, why do ya have to spoil everything? You think everyone’s a bleeding bender!”
“Oh, spoil everything, do I? I’ll spoil your FACE, bitch!”
I didn’t really say that, but I thought it.
“I don’t think everyone is a bender,” I said instead. “Just one in eight of us. And that’s an actual fact because I learnt it at school.”
I’ve never forgotten that little statistic, mainly because it was the only reference to ‘the dark side’ in our entire sex education class. My old teacher had blurted it out red-faced before showing us a video of a bearded man with syphilis.
“It is estimated that one in eight men and women are homosexual.”
And that was it. If you were that one in eight, like me, you were going to have to figure it all out for yourself. Mind you, even that single sentence had caused a scandal at the time, as there’d been eight of us around the table. We’d eyed each other suspiciously until I pointed at Stinky Matt and told everyone it must be him. I’ve always felt a bit guilty about that, especially as I’d run straight to my girlfriend’s house to imagine her brother naked.
After dinner, Stu and Graham politely turned down Rachel’s subtle offer of ‘a nightcap’ (she even used the air quotes) and headed back to their shared room, so we returned to the hostel.
“Probably just as well,” Rachel grimaced, limping a little as we walked. “That waxing proper chapped me lips.”
From: Captainkevman@live.co.uk
To: “My Great British Contacts” Group
Subject: Culture and stuff
Date: Sun 30 Nov – 20:08
Wotcha, ya dags! (That’s not rude. I’m just speaking the lingo.)
Today, I squeezed in some quick touristy bits because we’re leaving Melbourne soon, so I headed over to the Arts Precinct to satisfying my inner-Intellectual. Yes, you’re right, it IS well hidden. I rubbed my chin in appreciation at the wonders of the Victoria Arts Centre, nodded thoughtfully at the Flinders Street Station architecture and instagrammed the hell out of the urban graffiti in Croft Alley. After a pause for breath, I admired the acoustics of the Melbourne Concert Hall, paid my respects at the Shrine of Remembrance and read the descriptions of nearly every painting in the Victoria Art Gallery, the largest and oldest gallery in Australia. Phew.
Yes, I do realise how dull all that might sound to some of you but the truth is, after two weeks of beaches, bars, and bargain-hunting, my brain was in need of something a bit more substantial to nibble on. Feeling suitably cultured, and a tad pleased with myself, I then rushed back to the hostel to catch up on Australian Idol.
Rachel has decided she is now on a health kick, and that therefor Bev and I should be on one too. It caused all sorts of confusion at the salad bar earlier because it turns out Bev is convinced vinaigrette is Viagra for women. They’ve since gone to bed, and last I heard Bev was still waiting for something miraculous to happen to her downstairs area. You’ll be pleased to hear I’m making an effort to get healthier too, and am just finishing a salad of my own. OK, it’s potato salad. OK, it’s vodka.
Love Kev xx
Replies,
Mum – You’re right. It wasn’t gentlemanly. I’ll say sorry.
Dad – Drink responsibly? You mean, don’t spill it? Ha! It’s fine, I’ve decided to cut out booze until Christmas.
Michael – The most action I’ve seen so far was that time the shower curtain grabbed my thigh.
9.45pm
Just had an angry email from Mum, and she made me promise to apologise to Bev and Rachel for ranting about them in a drunken message I sent the other day. Ok, so maybe I did go a little OTT but there’s no chance I’m going to say something if they haven’t even seen it. All that would do is make a shitty situation worse. Like kicking a dog poo. But Mum will think I’ve done it anyway as I always do what I’m told, so there is no issue.
Ooh, look at me rebelling!
I can only think of one time that I’ve ever even attempted to rebel before. It was before the divorce so I can’t have been more than five or six, and I had decided to run away from home. I can’t remember why, I probably didn’t get a toy I wanted or something, but I didn’t manage to get very far. I’d previously promised never to cross the road without an adult holding my hand, and as I didn’t want to break the rules all I could do was stomp angrily around the block. I’d been back home in less than ten minutes, totally traumatised by the whole thing, and no one had even noticed I’d gone. I didn’t bother again. Before I knew it, Dad was moving out, Mum was struggling to cope, my big sis went off the rails, Gran’s health went downhill, and I had to grow up quick to become ‘the man of the house’. Cut to my twenties, and I think the only rebelling I’ve ever got around to doing is filling the kettle above the ‘max’ line and I’m not sure that really counts.
Anyway, back to today. Once the girl’s had finished intimately creaming their newly bald lady-bits, they put themselves to bed and left me frustrated, bored and alone in the common room. It was barely dark and everyone was out, so I played a game of pool on my own to kill a bit of time. I still managed to lose. I’m now sitting on the fire-escape, cradling a cuppa like some proper old fart, watching revellers shouting and laughing and enjoying themselves on their way into town, and I’m trying to figure out what it is stopping me from going out and joining them.
It has occurred to me that I’m perfectly happy out and about on my own in daylight, but as soon as it gets dark something in me changes. Everything seems different. More intense. There is a pressure or an expectation to act a certain way, at least that’s what’s in my head. I feel I need to stick with the girls, because then I know how I’m supposed to behave. They are my tie to home and I feel secure in that. But the moment I decide to head out on my own at night, I know what’ll happen. I’ll seek out a gay bar and I’ll sure as fuck not be doing it as the tourist I am during the day. I won’t be satisfied just looking at the sights, and whilst the idea of walking into a bar full of strangers scares the shit out of me, I’m actually more worried about what I’ll end up doing rather than anyone else. That buzz of excitement I’ve felt since we got here, that thrill of the unknown and of not being known has been making my pulse race since that first day when I sat topless in a park. I’ve been bottling up any potential bad behaviour and poor decisions for two weeks now and I’m about to burst. I know that once I go out on my own, without any ties to home, that’s it. There will be no going back. The genie will be out of the bottle, and I will be on a mother-fucking rebellious rampage. The person I am right now will no longer exist.
It will happen. And I am terrified and gagging for it in equal measure.
About the author
Away With The Fairies Day 18
Tuesday 2nd December. - I woke up this morning with a throbbing head, fluffy teeth and inexplicably filthy hands. Last night's escapades at the bowling alley are all a bit vague. I remember downing Fliz's drink when she went off to pick up her hideous rubber shoes, and then legging it before she returned. I was so happy to get away from her that there’s a chance I did cartwheels on the way back to the hostel, which I guess would explain the dirty hands. What a horrible person. Her, not me, obviously. She totally deserved it. I also remember staggering through the door and seeing a sign at reception saying, 'Male Models Needed For Hairdressing Students – 8 am’ . I’ve been desperate for a bit of barnet-love, having sported a fusion of bed-head and lesbian-mullet since I got here […]
Away With The Fairies Day 17
Monday 1st December – Vineyard tour! Pinch, punch, first day of the month and all that shit! It’s off to be a good start. I've been looking forward to today's wine-tasting tour since we booked it last week. OK, so it's another coach trip where Bev and Rachel get to sit together and I ride behind them trying to join in, but this time there’ll be free booze too. I've forgotten what a decent pinot tastes like. Recently, if it's not been served in a cardboard cube on a two-for-one offer I've not even bothered. “I'm SO taking advantage of all the freebies today,” I told Bev. “I like being a bit discombobulated. Inebriation is so in right now. The kidneys are evil and must be punished!” She grinned enthusiastically. “I have no idea what you’re saying, so I'm just smiling […]
Away With The Fairies Day 16
Sunday 30th November- After lying in bed stewing for most of the night, I was woken rudely by the girls an hour or so after finally getting to sleep. “Why didn't ya wake us? I thought we was going aaht?” “You should have just gone without us, silly.” I was fuming. Not only were they blaming me for missing 'The Biggest Party On The Southern Hemisphere' but Bev didn’t even seem grateful that I’d missed out on it too on their behalf. Rude! I pictured myself slapping her round the tits in anger and setting her off like one of those executive desk-toys with the metal balls. But before I could shoot them down with my clever-but-cutting verbal assault that I'd spent all night perfecting, they focused on a spot just above my eye and grimaced in unison. “Euw.” That one […]
Away With The Fairies Day 15
Saturday 29th November - Groan. My first proper hangover since I got here and even the smallest movement is having repercussions. I’ve really got to calm this drinking down. If my body was a temple, my temple would be a Threshers. If it wasn't bad enough feeling this close to actual death when you're sharing a room with four other people, it's particularly horrific enduring a nasty case of the beer-shits when you share a bathroom with over fifty more. I was in there nearly an hour waiting for the place to empty so I could leg it and avoid being associated with the smell, by which time I needed to go back in again. Worst of all, I forgot to take my phone in with me so it was a double-whammy of misery. On the plus side, I think this […]
Away With The Fairies Day 14
Friday 28th November - Somehow the girls have made it out to go bikini shopping before 10am. I wasn't invited to join them, but I'm not bothered. They don't do bikinis my size. Watching them in action last night has reminded me that they'd always intended to be over here on their own. I was just a spur-of-the-moment after-thought. Not even that, really. After their strip-poker prick-teasing, they'd almost left me behind. They only remembered I was there when my hand reached out from the depths of that bloody beanbag and I asked for help. And do you know what they said? “Oh, we'd completely forgotten about you.” It's really hard not to take that personally, but I am starting to understand. When they'd been planning this trip they had expected to be two Essex Birds, flying wild and free in […]
Away With The Fairies Day 13
Thursday 27th November. The girls crashed in at around 6am, cackling and shushing each other. Bev then grabbed a carrier-bag and threw up in it, and then did it again in case the first garbled geyser hadn't woken everyone up. She was totally oblivious to the fact the bag had safety holes in the bottom, and that high-pressure vomit juice was now squirting out of both ends and spinning around the room. By the time she'd sprawled into her top bunk and was snoring, bag hanging limply from her finger, the toxic stream had dwindled to a gloopy dribble, each splat hanging in the horrified silence. It was no wonder that our German roommates decided to leg it, slamming their pebble-dashed clothes into cases and rushing off without so much as an “alfie design”. (I may have spelt that wrong.) […]
Related
Unlocking Luxury: Top Tips to Find the Cheapest Airline and Hotel Deals Online
Many travelers believe that luxury comes at a high price, but you can enjoy elegant adventures without overspending. By employing strategic techniques to secure the best airline and hotel rates, you can indulge in upscale experiences while staying within your budget. From using multiple booking platforms to being flexible with your travel plans, this guide offers practical tips to help you uncover incredible savings and unlock the luxury you deserve. Start applying these insights today for an affordable yet extravagant journey. Key Takeaways: Utilize Multiple Platforms: Explore various search engines like Skyscanner and Google Flights to discover the best prices across different airlines and hotels. Flexibility is Essential: Being open with your travel dates and destinations can lead to significant savings on flights and accommodations. Leverage Loyalty Programs: Sign up for airline and hotel loyalty programs to earn points and […]
Cool Activities for your Next Holiday in Thailand
Thailand is one of the top tourist destinations in the world, with more than 30 million tourists entering the country in 2023 and if you are planning a holiday in the Land of Smiles, there is much to see and do. In this short article, we take a look at some of the amazing things that you can do when holidaying in Thailand. Scuba diving – If you a marine animal lover, you can book dives on stunning reefs with one of the boat tours in Phuket that offer a wide range of packages. The Andaman Sea is home to a diverse range of marine species, which include whale sharks, giant manta rays and bottle-nose dolphins and if you would like to learn how to scuba dive, you can take a PADI course and even become an instructor. Deep sea […]
How To Practice Digital Hygiene When Abroad
Most people care about hygiene when they travel. They know to wash their hands after touching public surfaces, and perhaps not to add ice to their drinks in restaurants that may not clean their machine so often. Of course, none of us can prevent every malady and danger, but being mindful and keeping good practice can certainly limit a great deal of risk. However, while the physical hygiene of our surroundings is important, it’s also important to consider your digital hygiene when you travel. If you wanted to talk in terms of a Sci-Fi novel from the 80’s, we all have one foot in cyberspace. Our online profiles allow us to share our lives and experiences to those we care about. If improperly configured, other people can see that information too. For this reason, learning how to practice good digital […]
The Delightful Attractions Of Bangkok’s Khlong Ton Sai District
Bangkok is a very big place and there is a lot to explore! Today we will look at Khlong Ton Sai, a district located to the northwest of Bangkok's centre. It borders the Chao Phraya, the ' River of Kings', and is one of the capital's oldest areas. Khlong Ton Sai has a great transportation network with two nearby Skytrain stations, Wongwain Yai, and Krung Thonburi. The west side of the river has a major bus hub, and there are multiple docks where you can board the many passenger boats that ply the river, back and forth and up and down. Khlong Ton Sai is an exciting area to explore, with gorgeous riverfront views and riverside eateries where you can enjoy fantastic Thai food while watching the boats go by. Not too surprisingly, Khlong Ton Sai is a very popular […]
Discover Istria: Enchanting Hilltop Villages, Rich History, and Gourmet Truffles
Truffles await your discovery in the stunning region of Istria, where enchanting hilltop villages and rich history come together to create an unforgettable experience. As you wander through cobbled streets, you'll uncover charming architecture, indulge in gourmet cuisine, and connect with the region's vibrant past. With each village boasting its unique character and stories, Istria invites you to immerse yourself in its flavors and traditions while begining on a culinary adventure centered around the prized truffle. Get ready to explore this captivating destination that is sure to delight your senses. View of Valle, Bale in Istria The Allure of Istrian Hilltop Villages Your journey through Istria would be incomplete without exploring its enchanting hilltop villages. These picturesque settlements, cloaked in rich history and breathtaking landscapes, invite you to wander their ancient streets, savor local gastronomy, and capture stunning panoramic views […]
The 3 Best Ways To Stay Safe During A Camping Trip
Camping is a great way to get out and enjoy nature, offering peace and a break from everyday life. While it's usually a safe and rewarding experience, it's important to keep safety in mind and be prepared. Nature is beautiful, but it can be unpredictable, so being ready for anything is key. All you need is a little bit of knowledge about outdoor safety and what to do in an emergency and you can go camping with peace of mind. Otherwise, if you do run into some trouble, the problems can compound when you don’t have a plan. In this article, we will go over some basic camping safety tips to help you get the most out of your camping trip. Share your plans Before you set off on your camping adventure, it's important to let someone know your plans. […]
