Monday 17th November – Flying to Oz today!
It was about 5am when I realised I hadn’t packed yet, and about fifteen minutes later when I discovered how much I hate packing. How can anyone possibly fit everything they may or may not need for the foreseeable future into one bag? Yes, that bag is bigger than my wardrobe, but it takes surprisingly little to fill it. I’ve repacked it seven times already, each time with lower expectations, and it looks like I’m going to have to go without my Playstation, the vast majority of my shoes and the dog. I just can’t get them in.
Bloody hell, Mum is yelling at me AGAIN.
“KEVIN! Put that bloody diary down and give me one last hug!”
I keep telling her I’ll be there in a minute, but she’s been shouting up the stairs every half hour or so anyway. I dunno what she’s so upset about. She’ll have the dog for company AND my sister is only up the road, and that’s more than I’ll have. A guilt trip is one journey I DON’T need, thank you very much.
…
Gulp. Bev just text. They’re outside. (I love that it would never even occur to her to get out of the car and ring the doorbell.) Can’t go back now.
The girls have been saving up for this for over a year, whereas I, on the other hand, have two empty credit cards and the urge to be reckless.
Fuck it. I’m off.
2pm – Heathrow, Terminal 3
It’s all going on here! Bev had to down her ‘Lipton’s Iced Tea’ at customs because it was considered a ‘suspicious liquid’, and then I had to take off my belt and shoes, before being given a substantial rub down and a thorough ‘wanding’. It’s more action than I’ve had in ages!
7.45pm – Somewhere over Europe
So far on this ‘trip of a lifetime’ I’ve done a lot of sitting around. In cars, in airports, and now in the arse-end of a plane. I’d planned on killing some time reading Bill Bryson’s ‘Down Under’ book, but on the first page he points out that there are more things to kill you in Australia than anywhere else on Earth. That it’s full of the world’s most poisonous snakes, the world’s most dangerous mammals and the world’s most lethal insects, and that even the fluffiest of caterpillars can kill you “with a single toxic nip.” I’ve had to put it down as I was getting palpitations. What the hell am I doing going there by choice?
The three of us have donned natty airline-supplied surgical stockings, which I’m told will stop us from dying in mid-air due to blood clots (I’ve put on two pairs just in case). The first of several airplane meals has arrived, and it resembles the offspring of a roast dinner and a Rubik’s cube. It’s all very exciting. Bev just picked up what looks to be a tiny square Yorkshire pudding between her long pink nails, and muttered in awe, “Is this what it feels like to be a giant?”
Classic Bev!
Everything has gone smoothly so far, although Rachel caused a scene earlier as we were boarding the plane when she’d suddenly dropped her bags like she’d been caught coming out of Primark. She’d thrown herself into the aisle to ferociously dig through them and had held up the whole plane, muttering and swearing like only an Essex girl can.
“I’ve left me bleedin chewing gum in the car!” she’d wailed, red-faced and breathless.
And they have the cheek to say that I’m the drama queen?
So far, I’ve not been dramatic at all. OK, so every time there is a judder of turbulence, a wobble of wing or a mechanical buzz from below I’m convinced the plane is about to go down, but other than thinking we’re all about to die, I’m doing fine. We’ve only been out of Essex a few hours and I can already feel the weight lifting from my shoulders. I’ve broken into spontaneous whistling twice already (Rachel is counting, which is not a good sign), and although I’m not yet as good as I could be, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was. Besides, who can possibly stay miserable with Bev sitting next to them?
“Ooh listen!” she just shouted, excited at an announcement from the pilot. “We’re about to land in Hong Kong! I had NO idea that was in Australia!”
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Away With The Fairies Day 18
Tuesday 2nd December. - I woke up this morning with a throbbing head, fluffy teeth and inexplicably filthy hands. Last night's escapades at the bowling alley are all a bit vague. I remember downing Fliz's drink when she went off to pick up her hideous rubber shoes, and then legging it before she returned. I was so happy to get away from her that there’s a chance I did cartwheels on the way back to the hostel, which I guess would explain the dirty hands. What a horrible person. Her, not me, obviously. She totally deserved it. I also remember staggering through the door and seeing a sign at reception saying, 'Male Models Needed For Hairdressing Students – 8 am’ . I’ve been desperate for a bit of barnet-love, having sported a fusion of bed-head and lesbian-mullet since I got here […]
Away With The Fairies Day 17
Monday 1st December – Vineyard tour! Pinch, punch, first day of the month and all that shit! It’s off to be a good start. I've been looking forward to today's wine-tasting tour since we booked it last week. OK, so it's another coach trip where Bev and Rachel get to sit together and I ride behind them trying to join in, but this time there’ll be free booze too. I've forgotten what a decent pinot tastes like. Recently, if it's not been served in a cardboard cube on a two-for-one offer I've not even bothered. “I'm SO taking advantage of all the freebies today,” I told Bev. “I like being a bit discombobulated. Inebriation is so in right now. The kidneys are evil and must be punished!” She grinned enthusiastically. “I have no idea what you’re saying, so I'm just smiling […]
Away With The Fairies Day 16
Sunday 30th November- After lying in bed stewing for most of the night, I was woken rudely by the girls an hour or so after finally getting to sleep. “Why didn't ya wake us? I thought we was going aaht?” “You should have just gone without us, silly.” I was fuming. Not only were they blaming me for missing 'The Biggest Party On The Southern Hemisphere' but Bev didn’t even seem grateful that I’d missed out on it too on their behalf. Rude! I pictured myself slapping her round the tits in anger and setting her off like one of those executive desk-toys with the metal balls. But before I could shoot them down with my clever-but-cutting verbal assault that I'd spent all night perfecting, they focused on a spot just above my eye and grimaced in unison. “Euw.” That one […]
Away With The Fairies Day 15
Saturday 29th November - Groan. My first proper hangover since I got here and even the smallest movement is having repercussions. I’ve really got to calm this drinking down. If my body was a temple, my temple would be a Threshers. If it wasn't bad enough feeling this close to actual death when you're sharing a room with four other people, it's particularly horrific enduring a nasty case of the beer-shits when you share a bathroom with over fifty more. I was in there nearly an hour waiting for the place to empty so I could leg it and avoid being associated with the smell, by which time I needed to go back in again. Worst of all, I forgot to take my phone in with me so it was a double-whammy of misery. On the plus side, I think this […]
Away With The Fairies Day 14
Friday 28th November - Somehow the girls have made it out to go bikini shopping before 10am. I wasn't invited to join them, but I'm not bothered. They don't do bikinis my size. Watching them in action last night has reminded me that they'd always intended to be over here on their own. I was just a spur-of-the-moment after-thought. Not even that, really. After their strip-poker prick-teasing, they'd almost left me behind. They only remembered I was there when my hand reached out from the depths of that bloody beanbag and I asked for help. And do you know what they said? “Oh, we'd completely forgotten about you.” It's really hard not to take that personally, but I am starting to understand. When they'd been planning this trip they had expected to be two Essex Birds, flying wild and free in […]
Away With The Fairies Day 13
Thursday 27th November. The girls crashed in at around 6am, cackling and shushing each other. Bev then grabbed a carrier-bag and threw up in it, and then did it again in case the first garbled geyser hadn't woken everyone up. She was totally oblivious to the fact the bag had safety holes in the bottom, and that high-pressure vomit juice was now squirting out of both ends and spinning around the room. By the time she'd sprawled into her top bunk and was snoring, bag hanging limply from her finger, the toxic stream had dwindled to a gloopy dribble, each splat hanging in the horrified silence. It was no wonder that our German roommates decided to leg it, slamming their pebble-dashed clothes into cases and rushing off without so much as an “alfie design”. (I may have spelt that wrong.) […]
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