Sunday 23rd November – I woke up in my bunk in the exact same position I’d collapsed into it in about twelve hours earlier.
Three puffs on that dodgy ciggie and I’d been ready to puke. I’d staggered into bed in a cold sweat and spent most of the night staring at the wire mesh mattress support of the bunk above me, unable to move and convinced that Tetris blocks were lowering themselves towards my face. Terrifying. I can still hear the music now. When I finally emerged from my amateur drug-den at around midday, I found my favourite Scot waiting for me out on the beanbags.
“I g-g-gotta joke for yoo.” (I still can’t do the accent.) “H-h-how did Jesus m-m-ake tea?”
I shrugged. I felt awful and couldn’t bring myself to care.
“He-hebrews it.”
With a grin that was infectious, he handed me a cup of tea that he’d made especially. It was cold as he’d been waiting for me for hours.
“Not that I’m saying I’m-m Jesus!” he suddenly panicked.
As a thank you for yesterday’s heart-to-heart he wanted to make me breakfast. I refrained from pointing out it was lunchtime.
“I kin only c-c-coook p-p-pancakes, thoo.”
His p-p-pancakes were minging, but I ate them anyway because no one has ever cooked for me before other than mum, and Dad’s microwave. It was sweet of him, but the same couldn’t be said for the pancakes as I think he’d used salt instead of sugar.
An hour later, we were squeezed into another dark corner, only this time we were looking at Sydney apartments on his iPad. No, we’re not planning on moving in together, that would be a bit quick even for me (and he wasn’t interested cos I asked), rather he was helping me figure out where the girls and I can go after Melbourne. If I leave it up to them we’d probably never leave the room, let alone the city. We studied a map of Australia. To the west was Adelaide, and we could travel the southern coast until we reached Perth. Alice Springs was north of here, kinda, in the centre of the country surrounded by desert, with Darwin further up. South, we could cross the water and do Tasmania. Hell, there was nothing stopping us even visiting the Hobbits in New Zealand. Or we could go east, where we’d hit Canberra and Sydney, before travelling up the coast to Queensland.
“Hmm… Queens Land. That sounds like somewhere we’d both fit in,” I laughed. I tried to ignore how uncomfortable Hamish looked after that.
As we looked for ‘Things To Do In Sydney’, our hands brushed against each other just as an advert popped up for the mardi-gras. It showed two topless hunks and a lezzer apparently having an orgasm whilst sharing a rainbow hula-hoop. Hamish did a nervous gulp, turned the tablet off and got up to go. Then he paused.
“Um… I’m goin-n-ng to the cinema later. Wanna c-c-come?” he almost whispered.
“Ooh, do you mean a date?” I waggled my eyebrows suggestively. “Back row I hope. I’m up for that!”
He kinda went a bit green.
9.15pm
That g-g-git only went and brought his friends with him to the movies! He’d turned up closely flanked by Irish Karen and a northern lass called Nina (who I have imaginatively named Northern Nina). At first I’d hoped it was going to be a double date, as Karen has more than a whiff of mannish about her and is partial to a denim-dungaree, but she pulled me aside and made things clear almost immediately.
“We’re here ta watch you, English,” she hissed. “He’s confused and vulnerable roight now, so don’t be takin advantage. To be sure to be sure.” (I can’t do her accent either.)
Fortunately, it doesn’t take a great deal to give me a thrill nowadays, and so when Hamish slipped his hand into mine under the safety of darkness I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt as excited. My heart was pounding like a twelve year old girl’s at a One Direction concert (pre Zayn’s departure, obvs) and I barely even noticed the film. People cheered at the end, but it might’ve just been because it was over. Aussies seem to be quite vocal in the cinema. I hate that.
I’ve popped back to my room to ‘freshen up’ (AKA change my undies, just in case) and have found Bev and Rachel asleep in their bunks wearing yesterday’s clothes. I don’t know where they’ve been or when they got back, but I do know one thing. I might as well be doing this flipping trip on my own.
Now I’m back off out to meet Hamish in the bar next-door where Nina works. OK, so it’s still semi-chaperoned, but I’m hoping it’ll lead to my first ever lock-in and a happy ending to boot. Maybe I’ll get drunk enough to think getting naked in front of someone else is a good thing, and maybe he’ll get drunk enough to let me!
3.25am
Just back from drinkies. Bit tiddled. Promising start cos he kept his hand on my knee for like the whole time, but when I walked him back to his room he shut the door in my face. Not so much as even a peck on the penis! But after multiple middies and a schooner or two, the hoped for lock-in and even a couple of freebies, I’ve officially upgraded him from cugly to full-on cute. He is so adorable, and he kinda makes my heart ache as well as my balls.
Niiiiiggght!
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Away With The Fairies Day 18
Tuesday 2nd December. - I woke up this morning with a throbbing head, fluffy teeth and inexplicably filthy hands. Last night's escapades at the bowling alley are all a bit vague. I remember downing Fliz's drink when she went off to pick up her hideous rubber shoes, and then legging it before she returned. I was so happy to get away from her that there’s a chance I did cartwheels on the way back to the hostel, which I guess would explain the dirty hands. What a horrible person. Her, not me, obviously. She totally deserved it. I also remember staggering through the door and seeing a sign at reception saying, 'Male Models Needed For Hairdressing Students – 8 am’ . I’ve been desperate for a bit of barnet-love, having sported a fusion of bed-head and lesbian-mullet since I got here […]
Away With The Fairies Day 17
Monday 1st December – Vineyard tour! Pinch, punch, first day of the month and all that shit! It’s off to be a good start. I've been looking forward to today's wine-tasting tour since we booked it last week. OK, so it's another coach trip where Bev and Rachel get to sit together and I ride behind them trying to join in, but this time there’ll be free booze too. I've forgotten what a decent pinot tastes like. Recently, if it's not been served in a cardboard cube on a two-for-one offer I've not even bothered. “I'm SO taking advantage of all the freebies today,” I told Bev. “I like being a bit discombobulated. Inebriation is so in right now. The kidneys are evil and must be punished!” She grinned enthusiastically. “I have no idea what you’re saying, so I'm just smiling […]
Away With The Fairies Day 16
Sunday 30th November- After lying in bed stewing for most of the night, I was woken rudely by the girls an hour or so after finally getting to sleep. “Why didn't ya wake us? I thought we was going aaht?” “You should have just gone without us, silly.” I was fuming. Not only were they blaming me for missing 'The Biggest Party On The Southern Hemisphere' but Bev didn’t even seem grateful that I’d missed out on it too on their behalf. Rude! I pictured myself slapping her round the tits in anger and setting her off like one of those executive desk-toys with the metal balls. But before I could shoot them down with my clever-but-cutting verbal assault that I'd spent all night perfecting, they focused on a spot just above my eye and grimaced in unison. “Euw.” That one […]
Away With The Fairies Day 15
Saturday 29th November - Groan. My first proper hangover since I got here and even the smallest movement is having repercussions. I’ve really got to calm this drinking down. If my body was a temple, my temple would be a Threshers. If it wasn't bad enough feeling this close to actual death when you're sharing a room with four other people, it's particularly horrific enduring a nasty case of the beer-shits when you share a bathroom with over fifty more. I was in there nearly an hour waiting for the place to empty so I could leg it and avoid being associated with the smell, by which time I needed to go back in again. Worst of all, I forgot to take my phone in with me so it was a double-whammy of misery. On the plus side, I think this […]
Away With The Fairies Day 14
Friday 28th November - Somehow the girls have made it out to go bikini shopping before 10am. I wasn't invited to join them, but I'm not bothered. They don't do bikinis my size. Watching them in action last night has reminded me that they'd always intended to be over here on their own. I was just a spur-of-the-moment after-thought. Not even that, really. After their strip-poker prick-teasing, they'd almost left me behind. They only remembered I was there when my hand reached out from the depths of that bloody beanbag and I asked for help. And do you know what they said? “Oh, we'd completely forgotten about you.” It's really hard not to take that personally, but I am starting to understand. When they'd been planning this trip they had expected to be two Essex Birds, flying wild and free in […]
Away With The Fairies Day 13
Thursday 27th November. The girls crashed in at around 6am, cackling and shushing each other. Bev then grabbed a carrier-bag and threw up in it, and then did it again in case the first garbled geyser hadn't woken everyone up. She was totally oblivious to the fact the bag had safety holes in the bottom, and that high-pressure vomit juice was now squirting out of both ends and spinning around the room. By the time she'd sprawled into her top bunk and was snoring, bag hanging limply from her finger, the toxic stream had dwindled to a gloopy dribble, each splat hanging in the horrified silence. It was no wonder that our German roommates decided to leg it, slamming their pebble-dashed clothes into cases and rushing off without so much as an “alfie design”. (I may have spelt that wrong.) […]
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