I haven’t slept. My brain won’t stop long enough to let me. I keep thinking of the phrase ‘happy and gay’. Why do people so often use the words together when they’re such a contradiction in terms?
I don’t remember ever being both at the same time. It must feel amazing to be comfortable in your own skin, at peace with yourself, but I suppose if you’re told you’re shitty enough times you can’t help but believe it. I wonder if this trip will change that?
Australia. I still can’t believe it’s happening. I can’t remember the last time I left Essex, let alone the country, and tomorrow I’ll be leaving the flipping hemisphere. It’s all happened so fast! A few weeks ago I was still investigating mortgages and planning for our future. Then, even post-dumping, the idea of going backpacking on the other side of the world was as alien to me as car mechanics or cunnilingus. At least until, without warning, Bev and Rachel had turned up. At first I’d thought they’d come to see how I was doing, but instead they were dropping a bombshell of their own. My bestest girlfriend, my drinking buddy, my shoulder, my rock and my confidant was telling me she was off to travel around Oz for a year. With Rachel. It felt like I’d been dumped for a second time that week.
“Oh, don’t cry babes!” Bev had said, smothering me with her chesticles. “You’ll be fine! You’ve just gotta get back out there. Live a little!”
“But we’re ‘Bev and Kev’! We’re a team!” I whimpered. “I need you now more than ever!”
“Hey! Snap aht of it!”
Rachel had rolled her eyes, and I cringed as she put her phone down and joined the conversation. She was always a tad louder than she needed to be, and that voice needed no help to cross a room.
“Ya know ya gonna be better off wivout him anyway, so don’t sit ‘ere wiv a cob on. Why doncha do what we’re doin? Get aways for a bit too?”
The offer had come out of nowhere.
“Wow, okay!” I replied, before I could think myself out of it. “Nothing keeping me here, I guess. I WILL go with you, thanks for the invite!”
They’d looked gobsmacked. No wonder really, I’d surprised even myself.
Better tell a few people I’m going, I suppose.
From: [email protected]
To: “My Great British Contacts” Group
Subject: So long, farewell, alfie design, goodbye…
Date: Sun 16 Nov – 12:48
Dear friends, family and facebookers,
By the time you read this I will be gone…
TO AUSTRALIA, BABY!
Let me give you a quick update. Phil and I are no more, and so I’ve decided to escape the harsh reality of Essex by buggering off to Oz instead. Yes, just like that. The fact that you are reading this email means you have the dubious honour of being someone I want to stay in touch with when I’m gone, so yay to you.
I won’t go into the nasty details, I’m far too dignified for that, but let’s just say that a relationship with no trust is like a mobile phone with no signal; all can you do is play games and endlessly go through the same old conversations. So I’ve put an end to his two year contract and am now crossing the globe in the hopes of finding a better tariff. I’m not remotely upset about it, because ending one chapter can only mean the start of a new one, right? And it would never have worked out anyway, because I am an Aries and he is a Cheating Little Shit.
Oops. Did I say that out loud?
I’ve only had a couple of weeks to get ready for this trip. In that time I’ve attempted to prepare my pale English skin for the Australian sun by having some stand-up tanning sessions, but other than learning a harsh lesson (never fart when trapped in a small enclosed environment with circulating air), it was pretty much a waste of money. I’m still positively Daz white. Technologically, I’m far more sorted. My mobile has downloaded street maps for the big Australian cities and is finally set-up for email, I’ve registered with on-line banking, and my work visa has been accepted should I want one (not bloody likely). My gym membership has been put on hold (like they’d notice) and my new Twitter account will see me hooking up with all sorts of celebrities ‘down under’. My last tweet was, ‘JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR A BRITISH CUPPA! #TETLEYTEA’, so you can see what fascinating nuggets you’ll be missing out on if you don’t follow me @Kev_away.
If you came out last night, thank you. You got to see me off AND off my face!
Bye then.
Love Kev x
Personal Messages:
Mum – I’m honoured you faced your techno-fears and finally came online so you could read my emails whilst I’m gone… but only you could attempt to set up a “HOT MALE” account. It’s no surprise you downloaded more than you bargained for.
Dad – Sorry you couldn’t make my send off. See you in a year or something.
Sis – Thanks again for arranging the collection. I’ve enough extra cash to get me absolutely blotto. Twice if I find a Wetherspoons.
Michael – I hope it hasn’t got weird?
4.30am
Still can’t sleep. Who knows when I’ll next be lying in this bed? It’s making me feel quite nostalgic. After all it has seen a lot of action – late night snacks and movie marathons mostly. For a Gay I’m practically virginal.
My initial bed-based shenanigans may have been with the moist bikini-areas of lady-folk, but I’d never enjoyed them. They never felt natural, more endured, something to get through as quick as possible and with the minimum amount of gagging. Deep down I knew which side my bread was buttered, but I was doing my damn hardest to ignore it. The only gays I knew of were on the telly, and none of them were like me, so I kept my head down and tried to blend in, hoping the feelings would go away. It wasn’t until I turned twenty that I finally accepted that they wouldn’t, by which time I’d wasted several years of my life, put myself through some pretty significant mental anguish, and through some kind of psychological-association had developed a seafood allergy.
My existence had developed glorious new meaning when I’d finally relented and discovered… well… cock, to put it bluntly. I’d given myself a thorough online education, then dived in with New York Nick, a one night stand that lasted four energetic months. A few brief encounters followed (well, technically they were more boxer-brief) and then Phil had walked into the bar. And we know how that ended up. We’d only chatted for an hour or so before he’d given me his number, so he must’ve seen something he liked back then. He’d been a bit of a sex-text-pest at first, but I have to say there was something quite thrilling about being sent a knob shot whilst you’re sat watching the X Factor with your Gran. I had got caught up in the whirlwind of it all and we were ‘official’ by the time we met up again a week later. Worst. Mistake. Ever. He’d almost immediately lost interest, and the most excitement I’ve had since is down to eBay.
I’ve lost nearly two year to him, but what makes me most upset isn’t the waste of my life, it’s breaking the promise I made to Gran. Not long before she died, she’d asked one thing of me.
“Don’t waste a single day of your life, you hear?” she’d said from her armchair, her favourite butterfly-covered blanket tucked tightly around her knees. “Life is like a toilet roll, you see?”
I hadn’t.
“The closer you get to the end, the quicker it runs out!”
She’d giggled quietly to herself despite her issues. She was amazing.
“Will you promise me something, dear? Experience something new every day. That way, when you get to my age you’ll have lots of lovely memories to look back on and you can enjoy them all again and again.”
I feel horrible because I broke that promise. So tonight I am making a new one.
“Gran, I will experience something new every single day I’m away. I promise.”
And I mean it. A day without seeing something I’ve never seen before or doing something I’ve never done will be a day wasted, and I won’t have it. Because I promised my Gran.
About the author
Away With The Fairies Day 18
Tuesday 2nd December. - I woke up this morning with a throbbing head, fluffy teeth and inexplicably filthy hands. Last night's escapades at the bowling alley are all a bit vague. I remember downing Fliz's drink when she went off to pick up her hideous rubber shoes, and then legging it before she returned. I was so happy to get away from her that there’s a chance I did cartwheels on the way back to the hostel, which I guess would explain the dirty hands. What a horrible person. Her, not me, obviously. She totally deserved it. I also remember staggering through the door and seeing a sign at reception saying, 'Male Models Needed For Hairdressing Students – 8 am’ . I’ve been desperate for a bit of barnet-love, having sported a fusion of bed-head and lesbian-mullet since I got here […]
Away With The Fairies Day 17
Monday 1st December – Vineyard tour! Pinch, punch, first day of the month and all that shit! It’s off to be a good start. I've been looking forward to today's wine-tasting tour since we booked it last week. OK, so it's another coach trip where Bev and Rachel get to sit together and I ride behind them trying to join in, but this time there’ll be free booze too. I've forgotten what a decent pinot tastes like. Recently, if it's not been served in a cardboard cube on a two-for-one offer I've not even bothered. “I'm SO taking advantage of all the freebies today,” I told Bev. “I like being a bit discombobulated. Inebriation is so in right now. The kidneys are evil and must be punished!” She grinned enthusiastically. “I have no idea what you’re saying, so I'm just smiling […]
Away With The Fairies Day 16
Sunday 30th November- After lying in bed stewing for most of the night, I was woken rudely by the girls an hour or so after finally getting to sleep. “Why didn't ya wake us? I thought we was going aaht?” “You should have just gone without us, silly.” I was fuming. Not only were they blaming me for missing 'The Biggest Party On The Southern Hemisphere' but Bev didn’t even seem grateful that I’d missed out on it too on their behalf. Rude! I pictured myself slapping her round the tits in anger and setting her off like one of those executive desk-toys with the metal balls. But before I could shoot them down with my clever-but-cutting verbal assault that I'd spent all night perfecting, they focused on a spot just above my eye and grimaced in unison. “Euw.” That one […]
Away With The Fairies Day 15
Saturday 29th November - Groan. My first proper hangover since I got here and even the smallest movement is having repercussions. I’ve really got to calm this drinking down. If my body was a temple, my temple would be a Threshers. If it wasn't bad enough feeling this close to actual death when you're sharing a room with four other people, it's particularly horrific enduring a nasty case of the beer-shits when you share a bathroom with over fifty more. I was in there nearly an hour waiting for the place to empty so I could leg it and avoid being associated with the smell, by which time I needed to go back in again. Worst of all, I forgot to take my phone in with me so it was a double-whammy of misery. On the plus side, I think this […]
Away With The Fairies Day 14
Friday 28th November - Somehow the girls have made it out to go bikini shopping before 10am. I wasn't invited to join them, but I'm not bothered. They don't do bikinis my size. Watching them in action last night has reminded me that they'd always intended to be over here on their own. I was just a spur-of-the-moment after-thought. Not even that, really. After their strip-poker prick-teasing, they'd almost left me behind. They only remembered I was there when my hand reached out from the depths of that bloody beanbag and I asked for help. And do you know what they said? “Oh, we'd completely forgotten about you.” It's really hard not to take that personally, but I am starting to understand. When they'd been planning this trip they had expected to be two Essex Birds, flying wild and free in […]
Away With The Fairies Day 13
Thursday 27th November. The girls crashed in at around 6am, cackling and shushing each other. Bev then grabbed a carrier-bag and threw up in it, and then did it again in case the first garbled geyser hadn't woken everyone up. She was totally oblivious to the fact the bag had safety holes in the bottom, and that high-pressure vomit juice was now squirting out of both ends and spinning around the room. By the time she'd sprawled into her top bunk and was snoring, bag hanging limply from her finger, the toxic stream had dwindled to a gloopy dribble, each splat hanging in the horrified silence. It was no wonder that our German roommates decided to leg it, slamming their pebble-dashed clothes into cases and rushing off without so much as an “alfie design”. (I may have spelt that wrong.) […]
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