Tuesday 25th November – Woke up to the startling, but not unpleasant, sight of a semi-naked German man squatting by my bunk and rummaging through his underwear.
This put me in a good mood for the rest of the day, despite the pounding drink-induced headache that came from one of my eyeballs. Perhaps sharing our room isn’t so bad after all?
I’ve been ‘chatting’ to our new German roomies, with the aid of hand-gestures and a phrase book, and you know what? They’re not actually that different to normal people. They don’t know much English but I know even less German so I can’t moan. The only phrase I can remember from school is “shnell schnell kartoffelkopf” which apparently means ‘quick quick potato head’ so fuck knows what my teacher was on.
If I can wake the girls, I’m gonna try and persuade them to join me on a trip back to St Kilda today. I really want a tan! The only thing whiter than me in this country are the Calvin Kleins currently housing that German fella’s ample frankfurter. Besides, I’m tired of people ‘accidentally’ mistaking me for an albino. It was even discussed at last night’s ‘comedy’ show, and you don’t want the spotlight aimed at you at the best of times, but it’s worse when the ‘comedian’ gets the whole room to howl at your face because it looks like a full moon. It was excruciating.
“I’ve heard it all before,” I smiled sweetly, whilst dying a little inside.
11pm
I’ve just SKYPED the dog. Mum had text me to say he wouldn’t stop barking and she was threatening to cut his nuts off to ‘calm him down’. Calm him down! If someone cut my nuts off I’d be flipping fuming! It was a weird five minute call, like looking at my old life through a window, but that short burst of it was more than enough. I’m sure he’s fine and she’s just looking for ways to guilt me home, but I only got to see his tail anyway as he spent the whole time looking for me behind the computer.
Today was mostly spent on the beach and it was pretty uneventfully. I’m happy to report my flashing white skin didn’t prove a distraction for nearby surfers, my moon-face didn’t cock up the tides and no do-gooders attempted to spoon me back into the sea believing me to be a stranded whale. So, all good. Still no tan though.
This evening, after a few cheeky voddies for courage, I asked Hamish if he wanted to go out for dinner. He agreed, but only on the understanding that it wasn’t a date.
“Yeah, obviously,” I told him, laughing.
I admit I had hoped a slap-up meal might lead to some slap and tickle in return, but not a chance. He’d looked so uncomfortable just being seen alone with me in public that I ended up feeling a bit creepy, and when the waiter lit the ‘romantic’ candle he was so quick to blow it out that he knocked over his shandy. He managed to tell five complete strangers that there was “nothing go-go-going on between us” before we’d even g-g-got to the dessert, and it was insulting! I don’t want to push him into something he isn’t ready for or anything, but where’s the harm in a bit of inappropriate touching between friends? He had no problems with me paying for everything though, nor did he have any issues skipping straight back to Irish Karen the minute we got back, the little p-p-prick-tease.
I don’t know why I’m even bothering. Why go through the motions of romantic dinners and deep and meaningful conversations when I don’t even want a relationship anyway? Not here, not now, and definitely not with someone who has more issues than I do. I could be getting up to anything this far from home. I should be out there grinding against total strangers and sowing my wild oats or something. Or, as Rachel says, “bumping uglies with other dirty bumders”. But instead I’ve fixated on making the vicar’s virgin son my new boyfriend. Only me!
I have spotted another Gay in the hostel recently, and this one’s a definite raver. No Gaydar needed, just eyes and ears. He’s the type that farts rainbows or shits glitter or something. Unfortunately, he’s far too cute to approach. It’s hard enough making small talk with a Straight stranger, but it’s impossible to say hi to a homo when there’s all that extra judgement flying about. At least I’m safe with Hamish. How can he judge me on looks when he’s no sex bomb himself? And if we ever did get jiggy, at least he’d have no one to compare me to. I bet this new guy would. He looks like a right tramp.
I’d pointed him out to Bev earlier.
“See him? He’s definitely on my team.”
She’d turned so quick to stare that one of her hooped earrings had flown off like a frisbee.
“How do you KNOW that?” She had stamped her foot in frustration. “I keep getting it wrong!”
Turns out the guy she snogged last night had ended up going home with the barman, even though he’d ‘looked like a proper man and everything’.
“It’s just my Gaydar.”
“Gaydar? Is that an App? Can I get it on my phone?”
She wasn’t even joking.
“No! It’s just a feeling I get. An instinct.”
How can a Gay possibly explain Gaydar to a non-Gay?
“It’s body language, I guess. I must be subconsciously picking up on a million little gestures, the swing of an arm, the arch of an eyebrow, the pout of a lip…”
She looked at me thoughtfully for a moment.
“Are you spouting bollocks?”
“No! It could be something as subtle as eye contact, or as obvious as a flamboyant hairstyle or outfit. Or, as is the case with the twink over there, he could just be wearing a skin-tight vest-top with the words ‘I Love Boys Who Love Boys’ on it.”
I pointed at him again and Bev noticed that his sexuality was actually written right there on his chest in bright pink letters.
“They’re usually harder to spot than that,” I’d laughed. “The lines between straight and gay have got increasingly blurry since The Rise of the Metrosexual.”
“The Rise of..?” Bev looked confused. “Was that the film that came out after Star Wars?”
It’s the sudden influx of meterosexuals that I blame for fucking up my Gaydar, actually. That and its lack of use. It used to be that a well plucked eyebrow or manicured nail could only mean one thing on a fella, but now man-scara, guy-liner and all those Beauty Products For Blokes have clouded the issue. Get it wrong and you could be facing an angry but well-groomed straight man.
“Approaching a gay guy with any certainty is a whole lot riskier than it was when I was last single,” I told Bev, wistfully. “Unless you meet up via the internet, of course, but some of us want a little more than a quick bit of cock and bum sex.”
“Snob,” Bev laughed.
“Besides, on-line profiles are not for me. They’d skip straight past my photo. I need a bit more time so that they can get used to my face. Time to show off my fabulous charm and wit. Maybe time to get some booze in me to raise my confidence and in them to lower their standards.” I smiled, but I felt a bit sad. “I can’t do all that online.”
She looked thoughtful for a moment.
“So, let me get this straight. I mean gay. You know what I mean. You’re saying that you want to meet a guy you can be sure is also a ‘player of the pink flute’, that you want to be able to show him how amazing you are, and that you wouldn’t be so scared if you were a tad drunk first?”
“Yup! And what are the chances of all that happening at once, eh?”
“Oh, sweetie.” She kissed me on the cheek. “Quite high, if you think about it.”
I stared at her, confused. She never knew something I didn’t.
“Why haven’t we been to any gay bars yet, Kev?”
I swallowed nervously. Oh. That.
Because I’m too fucking terrified, love. That’s why.
About the author
Away With The Fairies Day 18
Tuesday 2nd December. - I woke up this morning with a throbbing head, fluffy teeth and inexplicably filthy hands. Last night's escapades at the bowling alley are all a bit vague. I remember downing Fliz's drink when she went off to pick up her hideous rubber shoes, and then legging it before she returned. I was so happy to get away from her that there’s a chance I did cartwheels on the way back to the hostel, which I guess would explain the dirty hands. What a horrible person. Her, not me, obviously. She totally deserved it. I also remember staggering through the door and seeing a sign at reception saying, 'Male Models Needed For Hairdressing Students – 8 am’ . I’ve been desperate for a bit of barnet-love, having sported a fusion of bed-head and lesbian-mullet since I got here […]
Away With The Fairies Day 17
Monday 1st December – Vineyard tour! Pinch, punch, first day of the month and all that shit! It’s off to be a good start. I've been looking forward to today's wine-tasting tour since we booked it last week. OK, so it's another coach trip where Bev and Rachel get to sit together and I ride behind them trying to join in, but this time there’ll be free booze too. I've forgotten what a decent pinot tastes like. Recently, if it's not been served in a cardboard cube on a two-for-one offer I've not even bothered. “I'm SO taking advantage of all the freebies today,” I told Bev. “I like being a bit discombobulated. Inebriation is so in right now. The kidneys are evil and must be punished!” She grinned enthusiastically. “I have no idea what you’re saying, so I'm just smiling […]
Away With The Fairies Day 16
Sunday 30th November- After lying in bed stewing for most of the night, I was woken rudely by the girls an hour or so after finally getting to sleep. “Why didn't ya wake us? I thought we was going aaht?” “You should have just gone without us, silly.” I was fuming. Not only were they blaming me for missing 'The Biggest Party On The Southern Hemisphere' but Bev didn’t even seem grateful that I’d missed out on it too on their behalf. Rude! I pictured myself slapping her round the tits in anger and setting her off like one of those executive desk-toys with the metal balls. But before I could shoot them down with my clever-but-cutting verbal assault that I'd spent all night perfecting, they focused on a spot just above my eye and grimaced in unison. “Euw.” That one […]
Away With The Fairies Day 15
Saturday 29th November - Groan. My first proper hangover since I got here and even the smallest movement is having repercussions. I’ve really got to calm this drinking down. If my body was a temple, my temple would be a Threshers. If it wasn't bad enough feeling this close to actual death when you're sharing a room with four other people, it's particularly horrific enduring a nasty case of the beer-shits when you share a bathroom with over fifty more. I was in there nearly an hour waiting for the place to empty so I could leg it and avoid being associated with the smell, by which time I needed to go back in again. Worst of all, I forgot to take my phone in with me so it was a double-whammy of misery. On the plus side, I think this […]
Away With The Fairies Day 14
Friday 28th November - Somehow the girls have made it out to go bikini shopping before 10am. I wasn't invited to join them, but I'm not bothered. They don't do bikinis my size. Watching them in action last night has reminded me that they'd always intended to be over here on their own. I was just a spur-of-the-moment after-thought. Not even that, really. After their strip-poker prick-teasing, they'd almost left me behind. They only remembered I was there when my hand reached out from the depths of that bloody beanbag and I asked for help. And do you know what they said? “Oh, we'd completely forgotten about you.” It's really hard not to take that personally, but I am starting to understand. When they'd been planning this trip they had expected to be two Essex Birds, flying wild and free in […]
Away With The Fairies Day 13
Thursday 27th November. The girls crashed in at around 6am, cackling and shushing each other. Bev then grabbed a carrier-bag and threw up in it, and then did it again in case the first garbled geyser hadn't woken everyone up. She was totally oblivious to the fact the bag had safety holes in the bottom, and that high-pressure vomit juice was now squirting out of both ends and spinning around the room. By the time she'd sprawled into her top bunk and was snoring, bag hanging limply from her finger, the toxic stream had dwindled to a gloopy dribble, each splat hanging in the horrified silence. It was no wonder that our German roommates decided to leg it, slamming their pebble-dashed clothes into cases and rushing off without so much as an “alfie design”. (I may have spelt that wrong.) […]
Related
Unlocking Luxury: Top Tips to Find the Cheapest Airline and Hotel Deals Online
Many travelers believe that luxury comes at a high price, but you can enjoy elegant adventures without overspending. By employing strategic techniques to secure the best airline and hotel rates, you can indulge in upscale experiences while staying within your budget. From using multiple booking platforms to being flexible with your travel plans, this guide offers practical tips to help you uncover incredible savings and unlock the luxury you deserve. Start applying these insights today for an affordable yet extravagant journey. Key Takeaways: Utilize Multiple Platforms: Explore various search engines like Skyscanner and Google Flights to discover the best prices across different airlines and hotels. Flexibility is Essential: Being open with your travel dates and destinations can lead to significant savings on flights and accommodations. Leverage Loyalty Programs: Sign up for airline and hotel loyalty programs to earn points and […]
Cool Activities for your Next Holiday in Thailand
Thailand is one of the top tourist destinations in the world, with more than 30 million tourists entering the country in 2023 and if you are planning a holiday in the Land of Smiles, there is much to see and do. In this short article, we take a look at some of the amazing things that you can do when holidaying in Thailand. Scuba diving – If you a marine animal lover, you can book dives on stunning reefs with one of the boat tours in Phuket that offer a wide range of packages. The Andaman Sea is home to a diverse range of marine species, which include whale sharks, giant manta rays and bottle-nose dolphins and if you would like to learn how to scuba dive, you can take a PADI course and even become an instructor. Deep sea […]
How To Practice Digital Hygiene When Abroad
Most people care about hygiene when they travel. They know to wash their hands after touching public surfaces, and perhaps not to add ice to their drinks in restaurants that may not clean their machine so often. Of course, none of us can prevent every malady and danger, but being mindful and keeping good practice can certainly limit a great deal of risk. However, while the physical hygiene of our surroundings is important, it’s also important to consider your digital hygiene when you travel. If you wanted to talk in terms of a Sci-Fi novel from the 80’s, we all have one foot in cyberspace. Our online profiles allow us to share our lives and experiences to those we care about. If improperly configured, other people can see that information too. For this reason, learning how to practice good digital […]
The Delightful Attractions Of Bangkok’s Khlong Ton Sai District
Bangkok is a very big place and there is a lot to explore! Today we will look at Khlong Ton Sai, a district located to the northwest of Bangkok's centre. It borders the Chao Phraya, the ' River of Kings', and is one of the capital's oldest areas. Khlong Ton Sai has a great transportation network with two nearby Skytrain stations, Wongwain Yai, and Krung Thonburi. The west side of the river has a major bus hub, and there are multiple docks where you can board the many passenger boats that ply the river, back and forth and up and down. Khlong Ton Sai is an exciting area to explore, with gorgeous riverfront views and riverside eateries where you can enjoy fantastic Thai food while watching the boats go by. Not too surprisingly, Khlong Ton Sai is a very popular […]
Discover Istria: Enchanting Hilltop Villages, Rich History, and Gourmet Truffles
Truffles await your discovery in the stunning region of Istria, where enchanting hilltop villages and rich history come together to create an unforgettable experience. As you wander through cobbled streets, you'll uncover charming architecture, indulge in gourmet cuisine, and connect with the region's vibrant past. With each village boasting its unique character and stories, Istria invites you to immerse yourself in its flavors and traditions while begining on a culinary adventure centered around the prized truffle. Get ready to explore this captivating destination that is sure to delight your senses. View of Valle, Bale in Istria The Allure of Istrian Hilltop Villages Your journey through Istria would be incomplete without exploring its enchanting hilltop villages. These picturesque settlements, cloaked in rich history and breathtaking landscapes, invite you to wander their ancient streets, savor local gastronomy, and capture stunning panoramic views […]
The 3 Best Ways To Stay Safe During A Camping Trip
Camping is a great way to get out and enjoy nature, offering peace and a break from everyday life. While it's usually a safe and rewarding experience, it's important to keep safety in mind and be prepared. Nature is beautiful, but it can be unpredictable, so being ready for anything is key. All you need is a little bit of knowledge about outdoor safety and what to do in an emergency and you can go camping with peace of mind. Otherwise, if you do run into some trouble, the problems can compound when you don’t have a plan. In this article, we will go over some basic camping safety tips to help you get the most out of your camping trip. Share your plans Before you set off on your camping adventure, it's important to let someone know your plans. […]
