Monday 24th November – Neighbours tour! Today, we’re off to RAMSEY STREET! The girls got up without me even using the word ‘shopping’ so they must be almost as excited as me.
“Neeeighhhbours… Everybody needs good NEEEIIGGHHHBOOOUURRSS…”
I can’t wait!
From: Captainkevman@live.co.uk
To: “My Great British Contacts” Group
Subject: Just a quickie! Tee hee. Quickie.
Date: Tues 25th Nov – 03:57
Well hello there grills and bouys!
Will keep this brief as its 4 am and I ma little squiffy. Scratch that, I’m totally PICKLED! Thank God four spell checker or I wood be in a right messy.
Bean an AMAZING day. You know it mustard been good cos the girls came two and they sleep all the ducking time. We’ve gone and did the Neighbours Tour and saw Ramsey Street – or ‘Pin Oak Court’ as it is in real life – and it was TINY! We played around with a cricket set outside the Kennedy’s old house, cos apparently they did it once in the opening credits, and everyone was giddy with excrement! Afterwards, the GORGEOUS bus driver took us to the TV studios where I met HAROLD FLICKING BISHOP who turned up on set even though he hasn’t been on the show for donkeys and I was totally star struck and everything. We chatted, “Hello Mr Bishop!”, “Young man, call me Ian”, which I thought was weird cos his name is Harold, and I might’ve accidentally groped him when we hugged for a photo. Backpackers tell legendary tales of this man. Rumour has it he was once heckled by a drunk traveller who asked him, “Dude, why are you so fat?” to which the LEG END immediately replied, “Because every time I fracked your mum she gave me a biscuit.” HAHAHAHA!
Next we drove through the Dandelion Ranges and stopped for a ‘barbie’ halfway up a mountain overlooking Melbourne and hand fed some PARROTS. We then spent an hour trying to untangle them from Rachel’s hair as they thought it was a bird’s nest, which is an easy mistake to make, and the hot driver (did I say he was a total fitter?) had to pull a struggling budgie from one of Rachel’s matted plaits and she screamed and it was HILARIOUS! The driver then moaned about having to get petrol cos he’d apparently ‘run dry’ and I told Bev “I’d never run dry with him in my seat” and made her squirt fanta from her nose and burp up sausage AT THE SAME TIME!
Back at the hostel, we found out the grumpy little skin-head we’ve been sharing with has moved out and weed been invaded by the bloody GERMANS instead. They dropped their over-sized luggage onto two of Rachel’s spare beds and it put her in a foul mood, before looking us up and down and declaring, “Zees room is very small, ya?” before marching out in formation and leaving three very put out Poms. Luckily, we had a box of wine to cheer us up. Yes, an ACTUAL BOX. We’ve discovered this cubed alcoholic delicacy at the local Bottle-O and have named it Chateaux Cardboard, and one of the best things about it is you can stack a load of them in a corner and make a WINE WALL! Each four litre box is only a few dollars and Rachel tells me I’m a total TIGHT ARSE for buying it. She doesn’t realise that as a Gay I take that as a compliment. HAHA!
We’re not long back from a pub crawl (can ya tell?) which ended with a ‘comedy’ night at the ‘La La Lounge’ where I left the girls and their tongues busy introducing themselves to the locals. They probably haven’t even noticed I’ve gone. I got my giggles walking home alone with a couple of unusually crunchy chicken donners, but who needs friends when you’ve got food, right? Or abs when you’ve got kebabs for that matter. Ha! Stuff them both. They’re probably getting laid right about now. Wish I was getting laid. Or stuffed. Where’s that fit driver when you need him? Did I tell you he was fit? OI OI SAVALOY!
Oh god I’m so piste. Soz.
Kind retards,
Kiev
xxxxxxxxx
P.S. This spell-checker is ducking shut.
Replies:
Mum – WTF! You want me to SKYPE THE DOG?!
Dad – I can watch my drinking if you insist. I can find a pub with a mirror in it.
Michael – Enjoy him. You deserve to be happy.
Sis – I KNOW you haven’t watched Neighbours since Bouncer the dog had a dream, but I’m not old enough to remember it so there. Neighbours is still awesome.
Gavin – Any other news? See below.
Paul – About time!
New York Nick – And a Happy Thanksgiving to you too! I’m thankful for the fact I haven’t thrown up!
Oops could a spoke too soon…
