Monday 24th November – Neighbours tour! Today, we’re off to RAMSEY STREET! The girls got up without me even using the word ‘shopping’ so they must be almost as excited as me.
“Neeeighhhbours… Everybody needs good NEEEIIGGHHHBOOOUURRSS…”
I can’t wait!
From: Captainkevman@live.co.uk
To: “My Great British Contacts” Group
Subject: Just a quickie! Tee hee. Quickie.
Date: Tues 25th Nov – 03:57
Well hello there grills and bouys!
Will keep this brief as its 4 am and I ma little squiffy. Scratch that, I’m totally PICKLED! Thank God four spell checker or I wood be in a right messy.
Bean an AMAZING day. You know it mustard been good cos the girls came two and they sleep all the ducking time. We’ve gone and did the Neighbours Tour and saw Ramsey Street – or ‘Pin Oak Court’ as it is in real life – and it was TINY! We played around with a cricket set outside the Kennedy’s old house, cos apparently they did it once in the opening credits, and everyone was giddy with excrement! Afterwards, the GORGEOUS bus driver took us to the TV studios where I met HAROLD FLICKING BISHOP who turned up on set even though he hasn’t been on the show for donkeys and I was totally star struck and everything. We chatted, “Hello Mr Bishop!”, “Young man, call me Ian”, which I thought was weird cos his name is Harold, and I might’ve accidentally groped him when we hugged for a photo. Backpackers tell legendary tales of this man. Rumour has it he was once heckled by a drunk traveller who asked him, “Dude, why are you so fat?” to which the LEG END immediately replied, “Because every time I fracked your mum she gave me a biscuit.” HAHAHAHA!
Next we drove through the Dandelion Ranges and stopped for a ‘barbie’ halfway up a mountain overlooking Melbourne and hand fed some PARROTS. We then spent an hour trying to untangle them from Rachel’s hair as they thought it was a bird’s nest, which is an easy mistake to make, and the hot driver (did I say he was a total fitter?) had to pull a struggling budgie from one of Rachel’s matted plaits and she screamed and it was HILARIOUS! The driver then moaned about having to get petrol cos he’d apparently ‘run dry’ and I told Bev “I’d never run dry with him in my seat” and made her squirt fanta from her nose and burp up sausage AT THE SAME TIME!
Back at the hostel, we found out the grumpy little skin-head we’ve been sharing with has moved out and weed been invaded by the bloody GERMANS instead. They dropped their over-sized luggage onto two of Rachel’s spare beds and it put her in a foul mood, before looking us up and down and declaring, “Zees room is very small, ya?” before marching out in formation and leaving three very put out Poms. Luckily, we had a box of wine to cheer us up. Yes, an ACTUAL BOX. We’ve discovered this cubed alcoholic delicacy at the local Bottle-O and have named it Chateaux Cardboard, and one of the best things about it is you can stack a load of them in a corner and make a WINE WALL! Each four litre box is only a few dollars and Rachel tells me I’m a total TIGHT ARSE for buying it. She doesn’t realise that as a Gay I take that as a compliment. HAHA!
We’re not long back from a pub crawl (can ya tell?) which ended with a ‘comedy’ night at the ‘La La Lounge’ where I left the girls and their tongues busy introducing themselves to the locals. They probably haven’t even noticed I’ve gone. I got my giggles walking home alone with a couple of unusually crunchy chicken donners, but who needs friends when you’ve got food, right? Or abs when you’ve got kebabs for that matter. Ha! Stuff them both. They’re probably getting laid right about now. Wish I was getting laid. Or stuffed. Where’s that fit driver when you need him? Did I tell you he was fit? OI OI SAVALOY!
Oh god I’m so piste. Soz.
Kind retards,
Kiev
xxxxxxxxx
P.S. This spell-checker is ducking shut.
Replies:
Mum – WTF! You want me to SKYPE THE DOG?!
Dad – I can watch my drinking if you insist. I can find a pub with a mirror in it.
Michael – Enjoy him. You deserve to be happy.
Sis – I KNOW you haven’t watched Neighbours since Bouncer the dog had a dream, but I’m not old enough to remember it so there. Neighbours is still awesome.
Gavin – Any other news? See below.
Paul – About time!
New York Nick – And a Happy Thanksgiving to you too! I’m thankful for the fact I haven’t thrown up!
Oops could a spoke too soon…
About the author
Away With The Fairies Day 18
Tuesday 2nd December. - I woke up this morning with a throbbing head, fluffy teeth and inexplicably filthy hands. Last night's escapades at the bowling alley are all a bit vague. I remember downing Fliz's drink when she went off to pick up her hideous rubber shoes, and then legging it before she returned. I was so happy to get away from her that there’s a chance I did cartwheels on the way back to the hostel, which I guess would explain the dirty hands. What a horrible person. Her, not me, obviously. She totally deserved it. I also remember staggering through the door and seeing a sign at reception saying, 'Male Models Needed For Hairdressing Students – 8 am’ . I’ve been desperate for a bit of barnet-love, having sported a fusion of bed-head and lesbian-mullet since I got here […]
Away With The Fairies Day 17
Monday 1st December – Vineyard tour! Pinch, punch, first day of the month and all that shit! It’s off to be a good start. I've been looking forward to today's wine-tasting tour since we booked it last week. OK, so it's another coach trip where Bev and Rachel get to sit together and I ride behind them trying to join in, but this time there’ll be free booze too. I've forgotten what a decent pinot tastes like. Recently, if it's not been served in a cardboard cube on a two-for-one offer I've not even bothered. “I'm SO taking advantage of all the freebies today,” I told Bev. “I like being a bit discombobulated. Inebriation is so in right now. The kidneys are evil and must be punished!” She grinned enthusiastically. “I have no idea what you’re saying, so I'm just smiling […]
Away With The Fairies Day 16
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Away With The Fairies Day 15
Saturday 29th November - Groan. My first proper hangover since I got here and even the smallest movement is having repercussions. I’ve really got to calm this drinking down. If my body was a temple, my temple would be a Threshers. If it wasn't bad enough feeling this close to actual death when you're sharing a room with four other people, it's particularly horrific enduring a nasty case of the beer-shits when you share a bathroom with over fifty more. I was in there nearly an hour waiting for the place to empty so I could leg it and avoid being associated with the smell, by which time I needed to go back in again. Worst of all, I forgot to take my phone in with me so it was a double-whammy of misery. On the plus side, I think this […]
Away With The Fairies Day 14
Friday 28th November - Somehow the girls have made it out to go bikini shopping before 10am. I wasn't invited to join them, but I'm not bothered. They don't do bikinis my size. Watching them in action last night has reminded me that they'd always intended to be over here on their own. I was just a spur-of-the-moment after-thought. Not even that, really. After their strip-poker prick-teasing, they'd almost left me behind. They only remembered I was there when my hand reached out from the depths of that bloody beanbag and I asked for help. And do you know what they said? “Oh, we'd completely forgotten about you.” It's really hard not to take that personally, but I am starting to understand. When they'd been planning this trip they had expected to be two Essex Birds, flying wild and free in […]
Away With The Fairies Day 13
Thursday 27th November. The girls crashed in at around 6am, cackling and shushing each other. Bev then grabbed a carrier-bag and threw up in it, and then did it again in case the first garbled geyser hadn't woken everyone up. She was totally oblivious to the fact the bag had safety holes in the bottom, and that high-pressure vomit juice was now squirting out of both ends and spinning around the room. By the time she'd sprawled into her top bunk and was snoring, bag hanging limply from her finger, the toxic stream had dwindled to a gloopy dribble, each splat hanging in the horrified silence. It was no wonder that our German roommates decided to leg it, slamming their pebble-dashed clothes into cases and rushing off without so much as an “alfie design”. (I may have spelt that wrong.) […]
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