When I first started watching “Riverdale”, it was honestly because I wanted to live vicariously through hot, sex-having, partying, fun adults cosplaying as teenagers. Mainly because I am a reserved, brown, boring medical student who does laundry for fun and will probably die as half a virgin (Mean girls reference check). The murder mystery was a huge bonus too of course. As an avid obsessor of mysteries and drama and psychological thrillers, I was enthralled for a hot minute but sadly the quality of the mysteries dwindled on while the murders just piled on. But hey, fictional murders, of course, are still interesting, most of the time.
The plots across the seasons twisted and turned this show into a massive amalgamation of romance, drama, humor, satire, suspense and so much more, such that the only word that I can think of right now that can possibly describe all of the emotions, I felt watching it is- befuddled. What the actual fuck was this show?
It was gold, let me tell you that. In all its ridiculousness, the show always had my attention because “how can they make it any weirder?” The answer? Yes.
I watched this show, on and off, because I wanted something entertaining but didn’t require my full attention and brainpower. I wanted something I could watch in the background while I took a break from my medical studies, but somehow, the show successfully captured both my attention and my brainpower as I watched intently trying to figure out what was happening. I have never been so confused and yet enjoyed every minute of that confusion. Now that’s saying something because I hate being confused, I hate not having things grounded, in some sense at least, to logic and rationality. And yet somehow, ‘Riverdale’, which is not sensical in the least, had me brainlessly watching in awe. From season 1 to season 6, I watched every minute in absolute awe.
That being said, I cannot recall a single thing from seasons 2 to 4 to save my life. It is the black hole of my existence. I’d imagine me blacking out for 2 years in real life would have the same effect as me trying to remember the plots for those seasons (okay 2 months in real life is more practical but let me indulge in some hyperbole).
Of course, this isn’t a detailed review of this gold mine of a show, but I want to list out anything and everything I can remember from this show because I truly need to get this excitement from finishing season 6 out of my system so that I can return to studying a more essential system- the digestive system, yay! Beware, this is a purging of my brain, because ‘Riverdale’ is the water to my oil if you get the Sherlock Holmes reference (if you don’t, you are sub-par).
-The cleansing of my mind-
- Jason Blossom dies
- Veronica and Betty made out
- Clifford Blossom is a murder
- Archie looks like a tanned and toned carrot who had s e x with his music teacher and yet that wasn’t nearly as disturbing as Aria and Ezra so whatever, I guess.
- Betty has way too many demons.
- Jughead is the GOAT
- Maple syrup
- Several sub-par, subliminal supporting studs.
(Okay, I must say, as I’m typing it out, I feel like I’m being railed by a train full of forgotten ‘Riverdale’ memories.)
- Black hood, aka, Hal Cooper (shocker)
- Serpents and Ghoulies
- Musical numbers
- GARGOYLE KING, almost forgot this gem jeez
- The infamous underground bunker
- Bughead stronger than ever
- Jughead dies?! (no, he doesn’t)
- Maple syrup
- A cool plot about some writing school
- Graduation? I think they graduated in season 4, I mean they had to at some point
- Season 5-
- Time jump, but they all look the same except Jughead who is still the GOAT
- Moth men
- Lonely highway
- Polly finally dies
- Alice is a mess
- Archie FOUGHT A FRICKING WAR and became the town’s angel
- Veronica was the “she-wolf of wall street” apparently
- Maple syrup
- More musicals, way too many
- BETTY BECOMES AN FBI AGENT.
- Jughead delivers the best insult I have personally ever experienced from any recent shows I have watched.
- Hiram Lodge is exiled
- A literal b o m b.
Season 6, aka, the most bizarre season yet, so here are just the highlights.
- ‘Riverdale’ becomes ‘Rivervale”
- Archie is sacrificed to save Riverdale, not
- Toni becomes a vengeful-child killing-water spirit, not
- Veronica saves her soul from being sold to the devil by selling Reggie’s soul to the devil, not
- Betty murders someone she thought was the ‘Trash bag killer’, not. Although this one wasn’t as surprising because I am sure she’s killed before.
- Cheryl Blossom is Poppy Blossom is Abigail Blossom who transfers bodies with Rose Blossom with Sabrina Spellman’s help, not.
- Terrance and Tabitha Tate drink Mary’s tears from the crucifixion to consecrate themselves from Louis Cypher to protect the soul of Riverdale, aka, Pop’s Chock’lit shoppe, not.
- 2 Reggie’s dual and kill each other, really, I think?
- Jughead semi breaks the fourth wall and uncovers a twin universe theory and ‘solves’ it with the most potent power in the universe- imagination.
- Maple syrup
My brain has been purged as best possible right now and there’s so much that happened in season 6 alone, I cannot possibly type it out here. And so, I urge you, nay, implore you to watch it so that you can experience all that ‘Riverdale’ is. It is so much more than you can ever conjure up in your mind. I applaud the confidence of the writers in presenting such deranged yet magnificent scripts to the masses. ‘Riverdale’ is a fantastical, mystical, non-sensical, and I-don’t-want-to-keep-ranting-so-I’m-going-to-stop-here-ical show. It is both insane and ingenious.
I would like to conclude by quoting my favorite line from the entire show-
“You’re a cold, fake, duplicitous bitch, and once people read my book, everyone is going to see that.”
~ Forsythe Pendleton Jones III
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